Meaning in the Journey

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The world is face to face with a deadly pandemic like nothing I could have ever imagined. A brutal virus, named Covid19, is wracking havoc across the globe. Schools have closed, air travel is at a near standstill, and states are implementing “stay at home” orders. Entire countries have barred their doors and closed their borders. This disease is no respecter of race, gender, nationality, status, color, — rich or poor. In a moment’s notice it has leveled the playing field, — we are all face to face with our mortality.

I’m reminded of times where I’ve struggled with thoughts of my mortality — all the while attempting to white knuckle my ideas of self-preservation. I worked in vain to manipulate my world; hoping it would fit nicely in my self-imposed “safe zone.” Fear, sometimes paralyzing, was my norm. A constant companion for as long as I could remember. Its toxic shadow was relentless.

That all began to change when I met the persecuted church, — Christians persecuted for their faith. Rather than chase me away, their stories drew me closer to them. I couldn’t get my hands on enough stories. Not that I quit wrestling with God, — to the contrary, I had only just begun.

Broken people have the capacity to love large. God’s love, shared with me through His people, — drew me closer and closer to Him. In my brokenness, God began to enlarge and re-shape my heart. His strong surgical hands gracefully began the work of repairing and reviving my soul. The greater love I encountered — the bigger I loved others.

I’m convinced that authentic love is a bi-product of brokenness.

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This prodigal daughter will never forget where she came from. It keeps things real. Perhaps, that’s why I love people, and why I am drawn to those who suffer?

There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Once God had my heart beating again, — He began to breath into it His breath of life, — a love bigger than me. Soon after, I began to be drawn to people in far away places. This wasn’t something I had seen coming and it had never been apart of my “safety plan.” I was quite content, “living my dream,” surrounded by all I knew to be comfortable and “safe.”

My prayers were laced with “send me!” I didn’t fully understand why asking God to send me into the world was a passionate cry of mine, but, it was. There were many times this drive to “go” scared me, — and those around me.

I was continuing to devour stories of Christians who were persecuted for their faith from all over the world. As I learned more about how suffering has never been foreign to the gospel or God’s people, — I gently tried to retract my requests. My prayers changed. Fear dictated the need to fortify my “safe zone.”

“There is one safe and happy place, and that is in the will of God.”
― David Livingstone

Shortly after that I found myself at a Voice of The Martyrs conference in Bartlesville, OK. I eagerly waited for the first speaker to take the stage. He did. I listened to stories that burdened my heart. In particular the story of a young Pakistani boy who was tortured and eventually killed because he was a Christian. As I listened to this first hand account — my heart broke. My heart could not carry the weight of his words.

I went back to my comfortable hotel room that night with a heavy heart. I lay there in the dark mulling over all I had heard that night. I began to quietly ask God to please cancel all my “send me” prayers. I’m eternally grateful that God doesn’t answer all my prayers.

The next day I arrived at the conference ready to listen to speakers and sure that my conversation with God the night before had cancelled out my risky prayers of, “send me.”

It was then that a young man shared about his work in a hostile territory. A place absolutely, not on my radar — but, a place I would eventually fall deeply in love with.

Pictures were displayed on a screen behind him of people receiving the Bibles he delivered. Their expressions of curiosity and delight captivated me. As he spoke, he seemed puzzled by those who ask why he goes to such dangerous places. His response was simply, “Since when has the gospel been safe?”

Since when has the gospel been safe?

At that moment, I felt as if I were alone with God in the room. His words seared my heart, and I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me. I recalled the list of demands I called “a prayer” the night before, and heard Him say to me, “I did not create you that way.”  That moment changed my life, forever. I’ve come to know that security and safety are found in one place alone, — in Him.

That’s when God began the process of gently removing the bandage of fear that had held me hostage for as long as I could remember.

“The safest place to be is in the center of God’s will.” – Corrie Ten Boom

Since then God has graciously sent me to many places and he will send me to even more. It is in those places — often alone and scared, — that He does His greatest work. It’s there He introduces me to courage and blind trust and great joy!

A heavenly exchange, — extravagant love in the place of fear.

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Since that time I’ve had the honor of being invited into homes of those near and far. A priceless gift. I’ve tasted and seen that He is good and that giving my life is the perfect antidote to fear.

Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back – given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” Luke 6:38

Christians who suffer for their faith continue to encourage, inspire, and challenge me. I draw strength and courage from their selfless lives. Stories like that of countless families in North Africa and the Middle East whose daughters are routinely kidnapped and forced to convert and marry their captors. By the grace of God, some of the young girls are ransomed and rescued from this fate. However the lives of her family will never be the same. Honor and shame is the bedrock of these communities. While the young girl and her family are victims — shame on the family is the cultural dictate. Evil may steal their honor, and even their children, — it will however, not take their faith, hope, and love.

Today a new Giant is on the scene – a deadly disease. It’s frightening. Seemingly coming out of nowhere. It’s breathing it’s fiery breath down the necks of the world. Once again, I find fear ever so cleverly stepping back into familiar places in my soul. Fear is all too ready to remind me and the world that we are in unprecedented times. It vies for the attention of the world by spewing it’s venomous threats of infection and loss of life and finances.

It’s then that I lean into the God who created heaven and earth. I am reminded that He is always, always good. — the life giver. I seek His face and wonder.

What if God didn’t send the virus but evil did? What if God knew all along we would be right here — right now? What if in God’s great big goodness He uses what evil meant for destruction to save us?

He is a life giver. Evil is a life taker. I don’t understand it, but, I believe our days are written in His book. I will walk out every step He has ordered — walking beside all the precious gifts of people He gifts me with — in humility and love.

What if we gave ourselves and others great big spaces of grace to live in — not only now, but far after this pandemic has passed?

I believe God redeems everything for His good. He is good.

My heart is heavy for so many in the world at this time. I will continue to pray and love and look forward to the days where I can be part of the solution in practical ways.

What if the word ‘Covid19’ parred in comparison to the words, —

The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17