On this day, the anniversary of her son’s death I want to honor the woman — Nick’s mom.
Tori’s, Emily’s and Zach’s mom too
~ Jeannette Robart ~
She came to our local High School to share her story with our students — a story of tragic loss. You see, Jeannette’s son Nick was killed in a car crash on March 30, 2013. Silence fell across the gym as Jeannette spoke. One could hear the drop of a pin on the gymnasium floor that day. Not only was she speaking to kids the same age as her son; many in the room were familiar with the remote forest service road outside of Estacada where Nick took his last breath. She had their undivided attention.
I listened as Jeannette told her story and found myself captivated by this warrior woman dressed in dignity. She had the presence of mind and the courage to share her story in the face of unspeakable pain and sorrow. She articulated clearly and spoke as one with authority. I wanted to know more about her.
To my delight, a few years later she would visit the same High School; where I work, and I would be given the opportunity to talk with her for a moment. I found myself face to face with Jeannette, and again…. I silently wondered — what makes this woman who she is? What’s her story? Later Jeannette would share a piece of her story with me and I am honored and humbled to be able to share it with you.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou
Jeannette grew up with her mother and maternal grandparents. She was raised by her mother, a single parent who often worked two jobs to provide for their needs. Jeannette’s mother was active in her life and led her Girl Scout troop and took her on as many adventures as possible while growing up. Jeannette never knew her father as he and her mother parted ways before she was born. Her grandparents were caretakers for the Seventh Day Adventist Campgrounds in Gladstone. She has fond memories of days spent with her grandfather in the shop and her grandmother in the kitchen.
Years later, Jeannette’s grandmother would suffer a stroke and require months of physical therapy. She remembers as a teenager spending long hours with her grandmother and admiring the Physical Therapist. She loved the way they helped people gain strength and confidence. Watching them planted a dream in her heart of becoming a physical therapist someday. She wanted to help people.
For Jeannette motherhood came at an early age. Having her children gave her a purpose in life. Her undying love for her children is underscored in every piece of her story.
Early on, she found motherhood and continuing her education a hard feat. She did however, pick up her education later and not only completed it; she landed her first job in an office. Today she works in the Emergency Room at a local hospital — where she is able to put to good use here deep empathy and understanding of trauma, grief, and heartache. Working daily to rise from the ashes of sorrow and grief herself, — she tirelessly, and selflessly, brings to her patients and families true gold in the midst of their personal crisis.
I asked Jeannette to describe herself to me in a few words; what follows are her descriptions. “I still fall back to broken, sad, and not good enough. I want to see myself as; confident, caring, loving, and generous. I asked friends to describe me and they said; intelligent, geeky, off the wall, selfless, independent, confident, leader compassionate, strong, fearless, and smart.”
I personally see a warrior woman dressed in dignity and strength and raw vulnerability.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown
Not all warrior women are born this way — life happened…. and they were given options; rise or fall. Pick up your armor and walk — or free fall into the colorless abyss of sorrow and pain and grief.
Today Jeannette has six years of sobriety under her belt! She credits the people in her life who did not allow her to travel the road to recovery alone — rather, choose to walk beside her. One important force was her son, who was brave enough to speak up and let her know how addiction was affecting their family. Then there is the friend who took her to NA meetings during her first week of sobriety and continues to check in with her to this day. Months of therapy helped her sort through the tough stuff in her soul, e.g. dependency, grief, and pain.
Addiction made numbing of her soul possible for long periods of time — that ever so subtly rolled into years. There are still days where being “numb” may seem distantly enticing. Today she chooses to feel rather than numb; even when feeling means you are met with the wild array of colors each emotion delivers.
Jeannette says; “Feeling every emotion of life with my children and the people close to me is amazing. The hard times make the good times seem so much better. The little moments that build up to the big moments are all so precious and today I value every single one of them.”
Her family and friends continue to be an anchor to Jeannette as she daily walks out sobriety and recovery in her life. With the passing of her son Nick, she inherited even more family — her Oregon Impact family. Jeannette says of them, “Always here to push me when I think I am going to fall and to remind me that I am stronger than any situation.”
Jeannette is a very active member of Oregon Impact where she was instrumental in implementing a new tool called “Voices of The Crash.” Here families who’ve been devastated by loss can share their stories with their community.
If one where to ask Jeannette today, “What were the best years of your life?” They’d hear from her that today — now, the present — are the best days of her life. Only one who has traveled through the trenches of life could rise to the occasion and live this — Jeannette does. Raw tenacity.
She will be the very first one to tell you that she misses her son Nick, every single moment of every single day. She’s also brutally honest in saying that guilt plagues her often; knowing that Nick is not here to live the life they often talked about. Still, she is most happy today. Being numb is no longer a viable option. Today she is aware of what she has to give and how much it is appreciated. Being able to honesty embrace her feelings and not hide behind them is a powerful force in her life.
I asked Jeannette what advice she would give to those who are at a loss of words when talking to families who have lost loved ones; “I talk about my son all the time. I know that for some it is hard to talk about their lost loved ones, but it is not for me. I know it makes a lot of people uncomfortable and I don’t really know what to say to them. Sometimes I tell funny stories and sometimes I talk about the reality behind his death. His loss was a very horrid situation and a lot of people have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am truthful about the role he played in his death. A lot of people also have a hard time with the truth about the way his “friends” abandoned him to die alone. I get a lot of blank stares when I mention my appreciation along with my anger for the driver. For me I feel like it would be easier for everyone else if I just placed the blame on the driver and made Nick out to be a victim.”
“My advice is don’t, hesitate to ask me questions. If there are details you are curious about I would be glad to tell you the truth about them. Also don’t expect me to always say I am doing fine. I will be honest when I am having a hard day and I will be honest when I am having a good day.”
There are days where Jeannette simply gets through the day on “auto-pilot.” Most days it is seeing her children and family and friends that give her the strength to get through. She is honest about being driven by fear of missing moments too. Having lost precious time with her son, she wants to live life with her family and friends to the fullest.
Jeannette did not pursue the physical therapy job she dreamed of as a young woman — she is however making the difference in lives that she always wanted too — only in a different way.
I asked Jeannette where she sees herself a year from now and she replied; “Hopefully living this same life. Loving my children and continuing to go on fun little adventures and having deep meaningful talks about life with my amazing friends and family. Working night shifts in the ER, with an amazing team as we make an impact on those we serve. Working with Oregon Impact, and helping to educate our Oregon Communities about making our streets safe. Continuing to learn more about myself and gaining more confidence as I work through old guilt and shame. Most of all, I want to remember to have empathy, and show more love.”
In her own words, “I am surrounded by so many great people and I have confidence in myself for the first time in my life. Every single thing in my life I have gained from my own hard work. I finally feel successful not because of what I have but because of who I have, who I am, and what I give.”
It has been an honor for me to write a piece of Jeannette’s story. She is an amazing woman whose story is being written anew each day. I’m grateful for the opportunity to see inside her life a bit. As she approaches the anniversary of her son’s death I hope she will be surrounded by as much strength and passion and love as she deals out to others daily. Yes, she has a story to tell. Well done, mama.
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. – Brene Brown
Tami Yeager 